How TV is Made. WARNING: Rant ahead

Children, we all watch TV, but do you know where it comes from? Have you ever thought to apply yourself to researching that topic? I did, and boy was I edumacated.


First, enter a random draw. Be awarded an email confirmation. Wait many weeks. On the BIG day, show up at theatre. For the purposes of this post, we got the Orpheum in downtown San Francisco. Show up before noon. Be given blue ticket. Stand in line on sidewalk. Watch weirdos walking past. Hope to god they don't talk to you. Repeat for FOUR hours.

Who knew the cheap thrills of TV required such lengthy shows of commitment? TV is based on, funded by, organised around, the 30-second commercial. Who are they kidding, expecting such patience and determination from an audience? Wildly assuming we'll happily withstand the nazi-queue, the ear-splitting tones of the girl behind on the phone, AND severe knee cramps, not to mention the mayonnaise stains when you attempt to eat lunch on your feet.

Clearly, the retardation which is often attributed to TV apparently has affected the show organisers. Unable to just hand out 1200 free tickets to an assembled queue, they decided on the mucho convoluted way involving two separate cut-off times and me having to read my Real Simple mag downwind from a port-a-loo.

Finally, when we got in and stumbled gratefully into a chair, any chair, we witnessed the lights, cameras and action of a real tonight show. WoooOOOo. I read the jokes on the autocue before Conan delivered them. I applauded when the applause signs came on. Actually, I didn't need the signs, because Dana Carvey (above) of Wayne's World fame is still really funny.

And then, some skinny kids with bad posture, bad teeth and bad hair came on stage to play. The look gave their Brit status away, so it was only a hop, skip and jump to deduce they were the Arctic Monkeys. Who books these people? A full 3 people in the crowd knew who they were, and of those, 1 was a fan.

A comedian here, a video skit there, and badabing badaboom, the whole thing was over. Over so soon! I had to give up my plush seat for the trek to the BART station.

A whole day, well, spent.